The Language That He Used

While lying in bed trying to figure out what it was that had me so unsettled, i think i figured out why school isn't "doing it" for me. I don't feel like i am following any particular calling by being in school. I haven't found any awesome chemistry, intellectual or otherwise, there (which is a huge disappointment. i was hoping school would inspire me to learn, instead it frustrates me with questions. which perhaps is the learning process. but i digress).

The thing that interests me most, that is the thing from which i derive the most satisfaction in life, is sharing deep connections and experiences with other people. The times from my past that i view as momumental are times when i have been in relationships that forced me to think and opened up the door for new discoveries. I'm not just talking about guys, either. Driving to Winnipeg with Stacy ranks high on the list of things that have made life worth living, and that is as deep and connected as i am with any lover.

I think my restlesness right now stems from solitude. This is a recurring theme, but i mean it differently somehow. It's not just about a man. It's about not being by yourself every day, talking to the walls, bouncing your ideas off thin air. If I am going to make it through the winter, it is something that needs to be remedied. I've been in a state of stasis for too long. I want to go places.

My favorite class this year is Spanish. It's hard as hell. I thought it would be easy, because I speak French, but i was very wrong about that. I love it, though. I love dissecting the construction of sentences, i love the logic of verb conjugation, i love the turns of phrase and where they come from.

Words have always intrigued me on many levels. I talk a lot. But i also listen closely.

The Darkness is coming. Not the band, but the season. I don't know if that is the reason for my latest round of malaise, but that's what i'm attributing it to. I'm up all night again and sleeping way too late. Everything's out of whack. My speakers are on the fritz. I feel skittish about the winter; i feel like it's going to be a hard one.

I just hope it's quick.